This is the best restaurant review I have ever read.
This place is BAWLIN' yo. Chicken nuggitz be crispy like you never SEEN. I tasted one and I was like "WHAAAAT! Are you serious Wendy?" Mean girls workin the friers, tho. This one chick wouldn't even let me holla. I was like "please you ugly anyway."
Here's the thing about the KFC Double Down. It's not weird at all. Stop freaking out.
The sandwich was brought to my attention by the social media blitz it created mostly because someone took the standard components of a modest meal and assembled them into a sandwich. That modest meal just happened not to feature any bread, so the outside of said sandwich is two reasonably sized pieces of fried chicken. To keep your hands clean, it comes in wax paper.
If you took the sandwich apart, you'd have two average pieces of chicken, a tiny bit of bacon, a little cup of sauce, and some cheese. No big whoop.
The thing's about the size of a McDonald's hamburger, so KFC's advertising agency clearly used some very special camera lenses to make this thing look much larger than it actually is. I had a Double Down, a side of mashed potatoes and two Dr. Peppers and I'm not even uncomfortable at this moment.
On to the flavors.
It's delicious. The fried chicken breading has some black pepper and other seasonings, the Colonel must have an interesting diet because the orange "Colonel's Sauce" is nice and zesty, and the Monterey and pepper jack cheeses (yes I actually ate the cheese) added a nice little kick and didn't taste like rancid death.
So, go eat the damn thing because at 540 calories, it's less than 1/3 of your daily caloric intake. And despite what the hippies in my office say, the universe is NOT going to be replacing bread with meat any time soon.
When people ask me what an Angry Whopper is, I explain to them that an onion was abused with spices and other devious measures during its formative days in the soil and is here for revenge, or at least that's what my TV tells me. What doesn't make sense about this (among many things) is that half of the onions on the Angry Whopper had no detectable spice. The jalapeños sure did though, and boy is there a lot of mayo Angry Sauce.
Oftentimes in our lives, confusion makes us act out in anger. In the case of the Angry Whopper, I am just confused. Sure, it is delicious (no small feat for the vaporized grease pushers at Burger King), but I don't really feel like I "know" the Angry Whopper. I have consumed one on two separate occasions -- One with a meal, and one as an a la carte sandwich for the whopping big price of $4.02 -- and I still don't get it.
Some bites of the Angry Whopper taste exactly like its well adjusted Whopper sibling, which makes sense since the receipt I was given reads 1 SC WHOPCHZ 3.89 PLUS ANGRY(!) 0.60. Others treat you with the sweet burn of jalapeños. My virgin bite of an Angry (I'll call it this for brevity's sake for here on out) tasted completely normal and I found myself wondering if I had been slipped the wrong burger or if I had developed an extremely high tolerance for spice. As I ate on, randomly placed jalapeños added some hot surprises with intensity that grew stronger as the burger diminished. Bite to bite, though, the experience is hardly consistent, which I suppose is true of anger itself.
It's worth taking a look at the Angry's ingredients, in prioritized order as seen on the Burger King web site. Angry Onions: The first time I ate an Angry, I was convinced that the "spicy onions thing" was a total lie. The only angering thing about them was that they suffered from that problem you have with onion rings where you take a bite and the onion comes out, leaving a fried shell behind. During my second Angry experience, I hand-picked an Angry Onion for solo consumption. The first bite tasted like the onion ring nub it resembled, but the second bite actually had some spice. Confusing! Jalapeños: It's hard to mess these up. They're spicy and sweet with a burn that increases as you eat more of the Angry. My only complaint is that their haphazard placement leads to inconsistent heat. Pepper Jack Cheese: My friends know that I hate at least 88% of the cheese on the market. For a pure taste test, I left the cheese on and it either is completely flavorless, is pretty damn good, or is masked by all of the other "fixins." An Angry Sauce: I was convinced that my first Angry was just topped with plain old mayonnaise. So were my hands, my face and my notes. The sauce was everywhere and I wasn't even recklessly chomping. After I was told about "An Angry Sauce" (why "an"?????) I made sure to take note of it during my second spiral into anger. As far as I can tell it tastes like sweet BBQ sauce.
For some reason, Burger King does not highlight the fact that there is bacon on this thing. Perhaps it's because there is barely any present. When I first looked at the Angry, before eating it, I thought I saw a piece of bacon. But as I continued to eat, I was convinced that I had seen a funny-looking onion. My notes even say something like "I thought a piece of onion was a piece of bacon. Fail." Later on, I discovered a two-inch strip of bacon. There definitely needs to be better bacon coverage on the Angry.
So, after we've all calmed down and had some time to think, do we care enough about the Angry Whopper to forgive its quirks? Absolutely. It's fast food, so it's imperfect but absolutely delicious.
Continuing the spirit of food-inspired raps, here's one about burgers. Apparently it's a an '80s Wendy's training video. Thanks to Amber for the tip! Remember kids, "it should be gray and moist to be correct."
At least it does when you're a kid with no siblings whose extended family lives no less than five hours away. That means that dinner is just like every other dinner but with more food. After dinner, your parents give you permission to go out and visit friends. Only, they're all preoccupied with their huge fun families. You can't go hang out at a coffee shop because all businesses are closed on Thanksgiving. Lame.
Also: Turkey is boring.
But there is hope. Now that I am a quarter century old I will soon be able to celebrate Thanksgiving my way. This will either be because I finalize some sort of arranged marriage scenario, or I am on my own in the world when I flee from Detroit and the imploding auto industry.
Here's how Thanksgiving my way will go:
There will be HAM. Oh yes, there will be ham. Why will there be ham? Turkey tastes boring and you get a lot of weird-tasting bits. Ham, on the other hand, is delicious and special. Why do you think ham has stores dedicated to selling it exclusively? We all have the saints at Honey Baked Ham at our disposal and if you're in Detroit, there are a wide variety of places with names like "Bo's Ham House" to choose from. The person who decided to store a large piece of hog in a barrel of salt was a genius. Fear not, conservatives: There will also be turkey.
In addition to ham and turkey, there will be:
Potatoes: Scalloped and garlic-mashed
Five gallons of gravy
Green beans
Green bean casserole
Asparagus
That cranberry "sauce" that's shaped like a can
Rolls
Stuffing: Both made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt and NOT-made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt (For me. You butt stuffing people disgust me, but I'd hate for you to be disappointed).
Apple pie
Pumpkin pie
Here's the itinerary:
Friends and family are all invited. Only the "cool" relatives show up for the most part, and the less-exciting ones go home early. 21 and up please. No children, regardless of adult supervision.
While the food cooks, everyone will mingle and drink Simpler Times Lager, red and white wine, vodka, whiskey and rum.
Some guests will choose to step out and "go to the store" so that they can "participate in appetite-enhancing activities." They will return with nothing and claim that all the stores were closed.
Dinner will be ready by 3 p.m. Everyone will eat to the point that all conversation is punctuated by random sighs and groans.
After dinner, most guests will retire to the basement where a sea of side-by-side mattresses is available for napping and spooning. Other guests will choose to hang out in the more-than-accommodating living room to watch Dumb and Dumber and other hilarious classic gems. No football games allowed!
Once folks have recovered, they will return to the dining area and graze on the remaining food at which point the drinking will begin again. Others will drink coffee and tea, and eat pie.
Now that the spirits of all have been rekindled, it's time to play with my Wii and for a raucous game of Apples to Apples.
The night ends with sober folks trickling away and the drunks staying the night in anticipation of a group breakfast outing. I'll be in bed by 9 p.m. We'll all wake up at the same time and no one will have hangovers.
That's Thanksgiving my way. If you read this thing weekly, you're probably invited, so stay tuned in the years to come. This year, I'm going to Pissburgh (not a typo), PA to visit my mom's family for the first time in years. I hope I can enjoy it now that I'm an adult. I hear my uncle has a lot of new conspiracy theories. Any way, I'd wish a "Happy Thanksgiving to your and yours!" but that would be cheesy. Sorry. Not gonna do it ... OKAY FINE! HAVE FUN, EAT LOTS, BE SAFE!
About a year ago, my "songs about food to the tune of popular songs" career peaked with a little diddy about McDonald's Chicken McNuggets set to the tune of "I Can Tell" by the 504 Boyz (hear the NSFW original). Obviously, it was called "I Can Tell (U Want a Nug). I chopped and spliced the original song together to create an instrumental version over which my friend and I attempted to record lyrics after consuming some Smirnoff Source alcoholic water. A music video script was also written, but this never came to fruition.
What's the point of all this? At the time, we thought an R&B song and video about McNuggets was a clever idea without commercial merit, although I would have loved to see it through. Silly food advertising is a dream of mine if you haven't figured that out by now. Lo and behold, McDonald's just released a commercial to the exact same effect, thus sending one more of my dreams down the tubes.
Aside from the fact that I am beside myself now that I have realized that this ridiculous idea of mine was a home run, I am convinced that my song had a better message. The McDonald's song asks, "R U dippin' on me?" and is based around jealousy and greed. My song, on the other hand, is based around a young, dynamic couple with a shared passion for McNuggets. Take a look:
"I Can Tell (U Want a Nug)" - Copyright 2007 Nathan Rogers
CHORUS: You ain't gotta say too much From the look in your eyes I can tell you want a nug
And you ain't gotta force-feed me food Just as bad as you want a nug I want a nug too
No, No, No you ain't gotta say too much From the look in your eyes I can tell you want a nug
And you ain't gotta force-feed me food Just as bad as you want a nug I want a nug too
VERSE 1: Now you ain't gotta say much cuz I was eatin’, boo Lookin at yo’ lips got me thinkin’ ‘bout how many nugs to order to go You heard about McDonald’s combos? We get up in there and order more than a thrillion truckloads When it comes to barbecue sauce I am the boss Order me a salad that’s tossed I heard you ate that meal I see nuggets in yo’ grill Can you drive me in your blue Ford Focus So I can make nugs disappear like hocus pocus? I got no oven so I cannot cook my food Make it fast and tastin’ good Get a couple of yum yums Shove it in your mouth ‘cause it’s a nug And uh, hit me on my pager if you want ‘em Its nugget passion So get up on it if you want ‘em yum, yum!!!!
CHORUS
VERSE 2: Pile ‘em on the counter in the kitchen now baby Sausage biscuit is a day dream Drippin’ with syrup fa sho, chewing it over Large fries’ll be the next thing I wanna eat them nuggets all night long From sun up to sun down and even in Hong Kong
CHORUS
VERSE 3: Can I light a candle And eat nugs on a table where the light won’t show? I'll take my time and eat ‘em slow I'll do my own exercises Part of a healthy diet It's so very pleasurable I'll eat salads, you won’t though That’s OK, yo Now I wanna eat some more
CHORUS
So, there you have it. Another advertising gem that never saw the light of day. If an Of Montreal song about Outback Steakhouse can captivate viewers, maybe it's time to brush the dust off my song about KFC Famous Bowls set to the tune of "Age of Consent" by New Order.
Don't worry, I ate a 10-piece McNuggets meal after I wrote the first draft of this. You know, for consistency's sake.
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