Having Thanksgiving mostly my way

Swallow your Franzia because when you read about what happened to me this Thanksgiving season, you're likely to do a spit-take!

It's likely that you've already read my holiday classic, "Thanksgiving My Way", so you'll be pleased to hear that I got DANG close to having Thanksgiving My Way this year. And it's not even Thanksgiving yet!



This pre-holiday miracle transpired when Elise suggested we have a delicious pre-Thanksgiving with her mom and sis, since I'd be making the most of my time off of work by driving 5 hours each way just to eat dinner in Pittsburgh.

Being the unorthodox American that I am, I seized the opportunity to enjoy a delicious ham. There was turkey too, but since no one deserves to spend a minimum of seven hours thawing and cooking a bird, we got a two-ish-pound Jennie O turkey breast that cooks in a bag. It even came with its own gravy. Genius.

On a side note, does it worry anyone else that all of the turkeys in the open freeze row at the grocery story smell vaguely of rotting meat?

Anyhow, the advantage of getting your hands on a breast-only turkey is that there's no opportunity to prepare vile in-the-butt stuffing, which is one of the no-nos of Thanksgiving My Way.

There was no crevice stuffing, but there was:

• Green bean casserole


• Sweet potato casserole


• Mashed redskin potatoes, skins on


• Loads of stuffing with cranberries added


• Mickey's Malt Liquor Grenades


• Gin n juice


• "Two" Buck Chuck


• Delicious coffee

There was almost a pumpkin pie, but our friendly local grocer only carried graham cracker crust.

After dinner, we didn't watch football -- another rule of Thanksgiving My Way. Instead, we relaxed on the couch and enjoyed such classic films as Caddy Shack and the Enforcer.

I had the pain and privilege of going to work the next day, so there was no group breakfast, but Pre-Thanksgiving 2010 was a success. And it went my way. Thanks, Elise!

Without further ado, the photo gallery!


Micro icebox of deliciousness including ham and malt liquor plus Asti and fresh-squeezed OJ for mimosas.


Ham, getting ready to become even more delicious by way of Elise's "How's It Work" Vernor's-based glaze.


Ham and turkey together in the micro-oven. Best friends!


Mt. Marshmallow atop the sweet potato plain.


A toast to celebration meats.


Another gratuitous ham shot.


Gravy -- the only reason people think turkey is delicious.


Dinner plate, before addition of sweet potato casserole and extra gravy.

Prologue: I totally ate leftover ham and green bean casserole while writing this.

Thanksgiving my way - Holiday bonus edition

Thanksgiving sucks (but stay with me here).

At least it does when you're a kid with no siblings whose extended family lives no less than five hours away. That means that dinner is just like every other dinner but with more food. After dinner, your parents give you permission to go out and visit friends. Only, they're all preoccupied with their huge fun families. You can't go hang out at a coffee shop because all businesses are closed on Thanksgiving. Lame.

Also: Turkey is boring.

But there is hope. Now that I am a quarter century old I will soon be able to celebrate Thanksgiving my way. This will either be because I finalize some sort of arranged marriage scenario, or I am on my own in the world when I flee from Detroit and the imploding auto industry.

Here's how Thanksgiving my way will go:

There will be HAM.
Oh yes, there will be ham. Why will there be ham? Turkey tastes boring and you get a lot of weird-tasting bits. Ham, on the other hand, is delicious and special. Why do you think ham has stores dedicated to selling it exclusively? We all have the saints at Honey Baked Ham at our disposal and if you're in Detroit, there are a wide variety of places with names like "Bo's Ham House" to choose from. The person who decided to store a large piece of hog in a barrel of salt was a genius. Fear not, conservatives: There will also be turkey.

In addition to ham and turkey, there will be:

Potatoes: Scalloped and garlic-mashed

Five gallons of gravy

Green beans

Green bean casserole

Asparagus

That cranberry "sauce" that's shaped like a can

Rolls

Stuffing: Both made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt and NOT-made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt (For me. You butt stuffing people disgust me, but I'd hate for you to be disappointed).

Apple pie

Pumpkin pie

Here's the itinerary:

Friends and family are all invited. Only the "cool" relatives show up for the most part, and the less-exciting ones go home early. 21 and up please. No children, regardless of adult supervision.

While the food cooks, everyone will mingle and drink Simpler Times Lager, red and white wine, vodka, whiskey and rum.

Some guests will choose to step out and "go to the store" so that they can "participate in appetite-enhancing activities." They will return with nothing and claim that all the stores were closed.

Dinner will be ready by 3 p.m. Everyone will eat to the point that all conversation is punctuated by random sighs and groans.

After dinner, most guests will retire to the basement where a sea of side-by-side mattresses is available for napping and spooning. Other guests will choose to hang out in the more-than-accommodating living room to watch Dumb and Dumber and other hilarious classic gems. No football games allowed!

Once folks have recovered, they will return to the dining area and graze on the remaining food at which point the drinking will begin again. Others will drink coffee and tea, and eat pie.

Now that the spirits of all have been rekindled, it's time to play with my Wii and for a raucous game of Apples to Apples.

The night ends with sober folks trickling away and the drunks staying the night in anticipation of a group breakfast outing. I'll be in bed by 9 p.m. We'll all wake up at the same time and no one will have hangovers.

That's Thanksgiving my way. If you read this thing weekly, you're probably invited, so stay tuned in the years to come. This year, I'm going to Pissburgh (not a typo), PA to visit my mom's family for the first time in years. I hope I can enjoy it now that I'm an adult. I hear my uncle has a lot of new conspiracy theories. Any way, I'd wish a "Happy Thanksgiving to your and yours!" but that would be cheesy. Sorry. Not gonna do it ... OKAY FINE! HAVE FUN, EAT LOTS, BE SAFE!