Arnold Palmer is delicious

Arnold Palmer makes the perfect non-boozy summertime drink, don't you agree? Sure, I could do without the artificial sweetener after-taste the canned variety leaves in your mouth, but that's not going to stop me from strolling down the street enjoying one, catching glances from people who think I'm drinking a tallboy. Better still, ordering an Arnold Palmer in a restaurant makes you look totally classy.

Speaking of classy, here's a can of Arnold Palmer that I once drank, sitting on top of a toolbox in my friend's front yard.



Fast fact for the unfamiliar: Contrary to pervasive rumors, this drink is no longer derived from Mr. Palmer's golf club palm sweat extract*. Today, it's half iced tea, half lemonade.

*This is a joke.

Mountain Dew Throwback

Note: This was written last Friday for the most part, so forgive the out-of-sync time element. - Nate

Sometimes everything in your life comes together "just right." Case-in-point: Last night, during NBC's Thursday prime time line-up, I saw a pretty-looking (and "groovy") ad for Pepsi Throwback. It played at least once per commercial break, or so it seemed.



I kept telling my girlfriend that I would have to try the stuff soon, but last night wasn't the night because we were headed to the midnight screening of Wolverine.

Fast forward to today: I found myself extremely exhausted and hardly able to digest the heavy tech specs I need to translate into a truck website, so I walked down to the kitchen to see what the vending machines had to offer. I almost went for plain old Mountain Dew, but then a familar-looking label caught my eye. It was the Mountain Dew logo of my youth, adorning a 20-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew Throwback. Sure, it's not Pepsi throwback, but I try to avoid Pepsi at all costs under normal circumstances.

The logo also reminds me of the era during which my youngest uncle was known to subsist on a diet of only Mountain Dew and Captain Crunch.



A quick side note: There are about three consecutive days every year during which time I crave Mountain Dew, and then I quickly get over it. Last week was that time for me in 2009. I sure hoped the natural sugar in Mountain Dew Throwback would be enough to win me over and convince me to finish the bottle.

Shortly after I opened the bottle that had been residing in slot C6 in the office vending machine, one of my oh-so-fun meeting marathons kicked off. Luckily for the first one, my role was minor so I had time to reflect on Mountain Dew Throwback (MDT from now on) and make some notes.

MDT definitely tastes different, and I would expect this to be even more pronounced if you are a person who Does the Dew on a daily basis. It's not as overwhelmingly sweet, thanks to the natural cane sugar used in place of high fructose corn syrup ("and/or sugar"). There is also not much of an aftertaste.

I, personally, am a fan of the cane sugar craze and I am known to use Sugar in the Raw in my coffee at Panera and I usually steal a few packets for use in my weekend coffee from the New York Bagel by my house. I'll also take this opportunity to tell you that I hate Splenda and if I see you using it, I will become slightly skeptical of you but we can still be friends.

Due to the turned-down sweetness, I could probably drink MDT more often, but the next question was, does MDT pack the same punch?

Well, it certainly got my anxious leg a-kickin' for my first meeting, but shortly into my second meeting I was nodding off as badly the time I fell asleep at a red light on my way to work this one time.

Anyway, Mountain Dew Throwback is (to me at least) more drinkable because it is less sweet, but it surely can't contend with midnight movie exhaustion, so it misses its target audience right there.

And I didn't finish the bottle.

Point of sale genius marketing: NOH Hawaiian iced tea

Once upon a time, I was invited to a "shrimp and white wine party" with some friends. On the way to the party, we stopped at the store to get a shrimp tray and I noticed something in the checkout aisle: NOH Hawaiian Iced Tea. Their slogan is "Say yes to NOH!" and that's exactly what I did. Its placement combined with the tagline made it ideal for point of sale impulse purchases.


NOH sat on the counter in my kitchen for a month. I knew I was going to write about it, but lately I have had higher priorities than drinking a pouch of iced tea. After crawling exhaustedly into bed to read at around 8:30 last night with no pending review, I knew I'd be consuming NOH this morning.

To me, NOH smells familiar but not like iced tea. It smells like weird oatmeal or something. But maybe I am wrong, since my friend Erika who bought NOH for the exact same reasons as me claims it smells like regular instant iced tea to her. Maybe we're both right and instant iced tea always smells like weird oatmeal regardless of whether or not it came from a volcanic island.

"Weird oatmeal" does not really do this iced tea justice though. Why? NOH is damn good, and probably refreshing too. I didn't even have to add sugar, since cane sugar is already in the mix. The package says you can even alter how much water you use "for personal taste" -- how intimate.

There's nothing remarkable about the flavor (as in "a slight hint of volcanic ash is what really makes it") but it's remarkable that I want to drink a gallon of this stuff on a frigid March morning. The variety I bought is lemon flavored, so it tastes fairly close to an Arnold Palmer Iced Tea, one of my summer staples, which is probably why I am saying "yes" to NOH.

And in case you are curious, I have no idea what NOH stands for.

Zipfizz, the miracle placebo hangover cure

I wrote this on a Sunday morning after being out until 4 a.m. so please disregard all time references.

Zipfizz engergy drink mix is an orange powder that comes in an orange tube (dubbed a test tube by its makers) that my friend Stacey got for free from a local liquor store. She got it for free because she inquired about what the hell it was. The cashier apparently told her he had no idea and that she should have some for free. Obviously, this mystery tube had to be consumed immediately, if not sooner.

I had actually reviewed Zipfizz once before, and it was a damn good review. When it came time to publish, however, the draft had vanished from my computer. The folder it had been in even contained a file icon for it that became invisible when I clicked on it. Not being one to give up easily, I got my hands on another tube (AKA Stacey felt bad for me and gave me her second test tube of it). Then, that tube disappeared before I could review it. Lucky for me, one of my cat's treats slid under the oven this morning and when I went to extract it for him, I found the missing tube. I knew I had to review it soon, but I told myself I was too sleepy and hungover to do so today. Then I realized -- This was the perfect moment in which to put Zipfizz to the test!

After some hesitation, I once again mixed the tube of "healthy energy" orange soda flavored powder into 16 - 20 ounces of water, taking note that I should not consume more than three tubes today in case I somehow managed to get my hands on more.

The powder reacted in a couple minutes, leaving some stagnant nuclear orange liquid, topped wth some even brighter foam, in my drinking vessel (a mason jar some spaghetti sauce had come in). The liquid was not fizzy at all -- quite the disappointment. The taste was actually not that bad and it reminded me of either weak orange soda mixed with something creamy, or watery Sunny D.

The flavor, however, is but one piece of the puzzle here. The test tube promised me healthy energy and I would settle for nothing less. As I sipped away, I reacquainted myself with this special health powder.

I felt extra glad to not be a child, a pregnant woman, a person who is sensitive to caffeine or a person with a health problem, because if I was, Zipfizz would not be recommened to me. Things being as they were, however, I was able to enjoy the Zipfizz proprietary blend, which is as follows:
L-Arginine
Caffeine from guarana seed extract
L-Taurine
Alpha-Lipoic Acid
Grape seed extract
Green tea leaf extract
American Ginseng root extract
Ginger root

Ah, the good stuff. And it seemed to be working, though whether or not that was due to the famed placebo effect was unclear (this is what I had discovered during my last experiment with Zipfizz). I can't say I'd urge you to run out and get your hands on a tube, but Zipfizz was with me when my hangover subsided and that counts for something.

Hot D Wake Up Juice Bloody Mary + Energy Mix

Before you even take your first sip, you need to know that it is a complete coincidence that this review is being published the day after "Bloody Mary Day," whatever that is.

The Bloody Mary has been my drink of choice lately. I have been known to consume them in bars where the waitress wasn't even sure if they had the mix on hand. Last winter, I was at Meijer and saw a shelf tag under some empty real estate that was called Hot D Wake Up juice. I laughed hysterically. I took a photo.

Months went by with nary a thought of Hot D Wake Up juice, then it randomly came into my head one day. I immediately hopped on The Google and found the Hot D web site. In a more conservative office, a site with such a title surely would have been blocked from my computer, but access was granted. I was directed to Pzazzsauces.com to place my order from Cowboy George, "Director of Deliciousness." A few days passed and my shipment arrived in a Styrofoam box plastered in "Fragile" stickers. I felt like the father in A Christmas Story when his leg lamp arrived in a large crate.

Sunday morning came soon enough and this meant Bloody Mary time.

I extracted the bottle of Hot D from my refrigerator, opened it and took a whiff. "This smells familiar," I thought. Two seconds of contemplation revealed the resemblance: Cocktail sauce. As a shrimp lover, this was OK with me. Next up to be evaluated was the color. For some reason, I was expecting this to be bright red because, you know, it's made from tomatoes. But no. The color was more like that of A1 steak sauce. So was its texture. Thus answered the question I had about "does it look brown because it's in a brown glass bottle or is it brown liquid in a clear bottle?" It's brown liquid in a brown bottle.

For my first time experimenting with Hot D, I decided to mix some Smirnoff into it, straight up, over ice. No garnish or anything. This would reveal the true flavor of Hot D Wake Up juice. Plus, the ingredients indicated that the mix came with most of the accoutrements one normally applies to tomato juice, and then some:
Compare our premium ingredients:
Tomato juice
Honey
Horseradish
Lemon juice
Tomato paste
Celery salt
Worcestershire sauce
Red wine vinegar
Taurine
Hot sauce
Vegetable base
Cocoa powder
Cayenne pepper
Ginger
Caffeine
Black pepper

Allergens: Fish, wheat

The texture was very odd as far as Bloody Maries are concerned. As opposed to being a semi-thick liquid with random spice chunks floating about, it was more of a sludge with some thicker globules throughout. Again, it resembled A1. Perhaps I will add some A1 to a future Hot D Bloody Mary mixture.

I soon realized I was doing myself a disservice by not jamming this thing full of pickles, olives and celery. The 1.33 shots of vodka I had out into the almost eight ounces of mix were imperceptible. I added another capful of Smirnoff. I could now taste the vodka a bit but the flavors were still wimping out.

The burn I have come to love just wasn't there. Prior to adding the extra vodka, the heat was nonexistent unless I did some post-sip mouth smacking. Even then, I could only perceive a slight tingle at the sides of my tongue. After the extra booze was added, I began to detect a slight "after shock" -- a bitter taste in the back of my throat that I'd sooner affiliate with some bitter medicine than with a spicy drink.

Perhaps this was due to the blank "expiration date" field on the label. Maybe I was drinking a bottle of the very first experimental batch. Or maybe the taurine prevented expiration.

Admittedly, panic was beginning to set in. The bottle of Hot D indicated that there were only four servings available to me, and I now had only three left. It would take lots of experimenting to perfect my drink, which is sad considering that this mix supposedly contains all the items you'd put in a Bloody Mary to spruce it up.

At this point, I had no choice but to finish my drink while watching Mad Men, which is appropriate since the characters on that show are always drunk. Drinking in the morning and writing about it ... I was now a true writer.

As I sipped onward I began to ponder my situation. "Round two will feature a Claussen Kosher Dill and some hot sauce," I thought. "Maybe I'll squeeze a lime section into it."

But wait!

Sure, some garnish would be OK, but unless that pickle brine really did the trick, the fact that I had to add more to this already complex mix meant that Hot D was a failure. There was no saving Hot D. It couldn't stand alone. Now I had to experiment in order to serve my taste buds and get the most out of my $10 plus shipping.

Two thirds of the way through my first drink I was feeling pretty OK -- My typical Sunday morning nap craving had been put to rest.. I'd been up 'til 2:30 AM with a generous quantity of Pabst Blue Ribbon in me and I only got seven hours of sleep. Despite the sub-par taste, Hot D truly D woke me up. Perhaps my next spin on this drink would give me some afternoon delight.

For all intents and purposes, this review should end here -- Hot D Wake Up Juice is not an all-in-one Bloody Mary solution. But with three servings left, I had to find out how it fared as a foundation for a more complex mixed drink. A few days later, it was time to get serious.

I assembled my reinforcements:

• Claussen kosher dill pickles


• Frank's Red Hot sauce


• Garlic-stuffed olives


• Garlic powder


• Black pepper

All of these ingredients were combined in a mason jar with ice, Smirnoff vodka and Hot D Wake Up Juice. I screwed the lid onto the jar and agitated the mixture. Shaken, not stirred, my good man.

Despite the inclusion of all my favorite Bloody Mary fixins (I usually base my Bloody Maries upon V8 juice), this new drink continued to be unpleasant. If I were served this drink in a bar, I would honestly consider sending it back. There was some sort of sludgy sweetness that came up from behind and overtook all other flavors. Perhaps the use of honey instead of high fructose corn syrup was making Hot D flaccid. Perhaps the cocoa powder was causing performance anxiety. (Update: My friend Shaun suggests that this taste is likely the taurine ... a logical explanation). The only improvement for this round was the fact that the harsh after shock had somehow diminished despite the addition of more hot sauce.

It's official: Hot D Wake Up Juice hits the gag spot, not the g-spot.

Dewmocracy now! Mountain Dew Revolution

A coworker approached my desk. "Nate, you'll be able to answer this question," he said. "What is that blue Mountain Dew in the vending machine?"

"!!!" I replied.

He asked if it was Baja Blast, which I had recently told him about. I replied that it was probably the end result of Mountain Dew's Dewmocracy campaign. My research indicates that Revolution (the beverage in question) was in the running, but Voltage was the real crowd pleaser. Though I have not had the pleasure of consuming Voltage yet, I could see why the Revolution was pacified.

I inserted my dollar into the vending machine, entered the coordinates of the beverage and it was dispensed to me.

I first noticed that the liquid was a blue-gray. Sort of like mop water poured into the bowl of a toilet with one of those blue dissolving bricks floating in the tank. I examined the bottle for a hint of what to expect and then I cracked the seal.

A smell identical to that of Baja Blast wafted out. It was fruity, yet musty, like the basement at Knott's Berry Farm. I was getting excited. Colleagues were stopping by my desk, asking me what the hell I was drinking.

A first sip revealed a flavor that was a cross between Baja Blast (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in the Mountain Dew family) and something at the more unique end of the Arizona brand beverage spectrum. Swishing it around my mouth, I observed a nice tingle, and a slight bitterness at the lower sides of my tongue.

Revolution's flavor is absolutely restrained. It does not live up to its potential. It builds, nearing its peak, and abruptly stops. What causes such a thing? Too much water?

The bottle claims this beverage is "Dew® Drinker Designed." There is no hyphen, confounding the rules of compound modifiers. The real Dew-Drinker is probably not familiar with ginseng, so I am not so sure it was truly designed by the consumer. The Dew-Drinkers know this. I know this, and I don't really even drink soda (with Baja Blast being an exception as an accompaniment to Volcano Tacos).

I am proud to say that the caffeine-addled constituents of the Dewmocracy campaign have voted out the correct candidate. The way the flavor fails to build is really bumming me out.

Learn about the rest of this exciting day next time with my review of the TACO SUB.