Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving my way - Holiday bonus edition

Thanksgiving sucks (but stay with me here).

At least it does when you're a kid with no siblings whose extended family lives no less than five hours away. That means that dinner is just like every other dinner but with more food. After dinner, your parents give you permission to go out and visit friends. Only, they're all preoccupied with their huge fun families. You can't go hang out at a coffee shop because all businesses are closed on Thanksgiving. Lame.

Also: Turkey is boring.

But there is hope.
Now that I am a quarter century old I will soon be able to celebrate Thanksgiving my way. This will either be because I finalize some sort of arranged marriage scenario, or I am on my own in the world when I flee from Detroit and the imploding auto industry.

Here's how Thanksgiving my way will go:

There will be HAM.
Oh yes, there will be ham. Why will there be ham? Turkey tastes boring and you get a lot of weird-tasting bits. Ham, on the other hand, is delicious and special. Why do you think ham has stores dedicated to selling it exclusively? We all have the saints at Honey Baked Ham at our disposal and if you're in Detroit, there are a wide variety of places with names like "Bo's Ham House" to choose from. The person who decided to store a large piece of hog in a barrel of salt was a genius. Fear not, conservatives: There will also be turkey.

In addition to ham and turkey, there will be:
  • Potatoes: Scalloped and garlic-mashed

  • Five gallons of gravy

  • Green beans

  • Green bean casserole

  • Asparagus

  • That cranberry "sauce" that's shaped like a can

  • Rolls

  • Stuffing: Both made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt and NOT-made-made-in-the-turkey's-butt (For me. You butt stuffing people disgust me, but I'd hate for you to be disappointed).

  • Apple pie

  • Pumpkin pie

  • Here's the itinerary:

  • Friends and family are all invited. Only the "cool" relatives show up for the most part, and the less-exciting ones go home early. 21 and up please. No children, regardless of adult supervision.

  • While the food cooks, everyone will mingle and drink Simpler Times Lager, red and white wine, vodka, whiskey and rum.

  • Some guests will choose to step out and "go to the store" so that they can "participate in appetite-enhancing activities." They will return with nothing and claim that all the stores were closed.

  • Dinner will be ready by 3 p.m. Everyone will eat to the point that all conversation is punctuated by random sighs and groans.

  • After dinner, most guests will retire to the basement where a sea of side-by-side mattresses is available for napping and spooning. Other guests will choose to hang out in the more-than-accommodating living room to watch Dumb and Dumber and other hilarious classic gems. No football games allowed!

  • Once folks have recovered, they will return to the dining area and graze on the remaining food at which point the drinking will begin again. Others will drink coffee and tea, and eat pie.

  • Now that the spirits of all have been rekindled, it's time to play with my Wii and for a raucous game of Apples to Apples.

  • The night ends with sober folks trickling away and the drunks staying the night in anticipation of a group breakfast outing. I'll be in bed by 9 p.m. We'll all wake up at the same time and no one will have hangovers.

  • That's Thanksgiving my way. If you read this thing weekly, you're probably invited, so stay tuned in the years to come. This year, I'm going to Pissburgh (not a typo), PA to visit my mom's family for the first time in years. I hope I can enjoy it now that I'm an adult. I hear my uncle has a lot of new conspiracy theories. Any way, I'd wish a "Happy Thanksgiving to your and yours!" but that would be cheesy. Sorry. Not gonna do it ... OKAY FINE! HAVE FUN, EAT LOTS, BE SAFE!


    Stacey W. said...

    Ham is not celebration food. It is only for sandwiches.

    Amber said...

    honeybaked ham is right by my house and there were lines around the block last night. i hope you got your disgusting ham early. turkey FTW!

    Unknown said...

    I will inform my wife on the drive home today that we'll be attending Natesgiving next year. What can we bring?

    Unknown said...

    I will be subjected to the increasingly popular pre-made store bought Thanksgiving meal which is not dissimilar to cafeteria food.
    Not to mention all the nagging.

    M. Evens said...

    Even though I don't eat either, I still can say turkey is much better. And I'm glad you are anti-football too. This year, me and my mother have to go to the casino so my grandma can watch her football game in peace.