Coffee good, package bad: The Great Lakes Coffee Roasting Company

I like supporting my local businesses as much as the next guy, especially Western Market in Ferndale, because a significant percentage of the meat counter employees know me by name. Besides, they sell their own fresh-squeezed orange juice. On a recent visit to Western, I was stopped on my way to said meat counter by the tantalizing aroma of fresh coffee beans. I just happened to be out of drinkin' beans at my house, so I decided to take a gander at the goods.



It turned out to be wares from the Great Lakes Coffee Roasting Company. Great Lakes coffee is so good that I almost feel bad annihilating their packaging here. Almost. If I hadn't previously had it at Mae's, my favorite local restaurant, I never would have bought the dang stuff. See, they have clever yet meaningless names for their coffee -- ones that give no hint of what kind of beans, and therefore flavors, are inside. What's the Corktown Blend? What's the Triple Threat? On top of that, all of their bags I have seen have the exact same dripping-with-snob essay on the back.



As the folks at Cabo Chips know, I am no stranger to dissecting a food essay, so here we are again.

"Great Lakes coffee is not for you[1]. You should stop reading this immediately and drive to the closest coffee chain drive-thru[2]. We roast coffee an an old-fashioned drum roaster. If our roaster were any smaller we would have to use nanotechnology[3]. We think small when it comes to coffee. Our narrow-minded focus on coffee is just plain wrong[4]. You probably are not prepared to be burdened with so much information about where the coffee is grown, how it is processed, particular flavor characteristics and the many brewing options[5]. Why don't you just get a cup of regular coffee? Life is too complicated for options like organic and fair trade certifications or micro-lots of coffee from specific coffee growing regions[6]. You probably want something that's just hot and black like a lump of coal[7]. Just remember, by choosing not to engage in what you are drinking, you still have made a choice.[8, 9]"

1. Weeds out normies and sensitive people, thus limiting potential customer base.
2. Sure, I will just abandon my grocery cart.
3. Joke for people who read Wired magazine.
4. We aspire to be like Philip Morris.
5. Is this why you didn't bother to tell me what sort of coffee is in the bag I am holding?
6. Does this coffee have all of these characteristics?
7. Or Beyonce.
8. You didn't give me much of a choice when you made your packaging so vague.
9. Nice Rush reference.

If you're a luck-of-the-draw kind of coffee drinker who requires something better than brown water, go ahead and get some Great Lakes coffee. If you're Great Lakes coffee, please consider being a bit more specific about your beans.

Floor pastry from Bread and Cocoa, San Francisco

Before work this morning, I went to the cafe / pastry shop on my hotel's corner, Bread and Coco. I was there on Monday morning, when I enjoyed a coffee, orange juice (California-style?) and my all time favorite -- a chocolate pastry.

The flavors were just right and the place has a great Motown soundtrack.

Because of this exceptional experience, I returned. This time, I got the usual coffee and OJ but this time the main course was something different:

Floor pastry.

The conditions have to be right for a floor pastry to be made. Some of them are as follows:

• Some jerk in front of you swoops in and steals the last chocolate pastry


• Mind reeling, you grab some giant fruit-filled pastry


• The giant fruit-filled pasty fits in the pastry envelope but doesn't leave room to fold the end over


• The cashier rings you up for a bear claw


• You receive your coffee without room for sugar


• You only have two arms but three breakfast items, so you have to put the pastry in your Chrome bag


• While trying to be a cool guy and put the pastry in your bag, it falls out of the pastry envelope, landing face-down on the floor under a table

But let's get you in on the ground floor of the floor pastry-eating experience.

The material of this particular item is akin to the particle board that comprised most of the furniture you had in college -- you attempt to cut it and get a few sizable bits but, in general, it crumbles all over the place.

In the end, the dirt people tracked in had a negligible effect on flavor.

Oh, and the fruit was blueberry.

The Coffee Fairy

Here's a special write-up by request of my coworker, and fellow Team Coffee member, Teresa N.

My first memories of coffee were of my dad making us all sit around at our table at the Olympic Coney Island restaurant, plates empty and napkins crumpled, while he finished sipping his coffee. I would always be annoyed and try to hurry him along.

After that, high school. The only place to hang out was the Coffee Bean and we'd sit there drinking off-white coffee filled with sugar for hours, then somehow manage to sleep like a rock that night.

Nowadays, when I'm at a greasy spoon I always have to order a cup of coffee, if only for tradition -- I get it now, dad! Day-to-day, my morning routine always includes my French press and a super-strong brew. It's more like having a mug of espresso than coffee, which is probably why I can never finish a cup before my drive to the office ends.

So, where do I get my beans?

The Coffee Fairy. He chooses only the finest beans that aren't available in your city and tends to deal with Intelligentsia.

Here he is now!



He lives in LA and occasionally appears in your local office with a bag of beans. If he is feeling especially inspired, he appears at your desk when you least expect it, holding a French press full of fresh brew.

This leads me to believe that he actually managed to smuggle a coffee grinder and French press onto an airplane. And when I say "leads me to believe," I mean this is probably not true but it is what I want to believe.

So how does one get a visit from the Coffee Fairy? Well, just like the Tooth Fairy brings you money after you lose a tooth, the Coffee Fairy brings you delicious freshly roasted whole beans when you lose access to deliciousness ... and after you've promised to buy a coffee grinder and French press.

Louisville dining

Being from metro Detroit, it's always nice to get out and visit a functioning city with loads of interesting restaurants and friendly people. This past weekend, that city was Louisville. Why Louisville? It's home to Lebowski Fest. Need more reasons to visit Louisville? Ask an old woman. They always act gleeful when I tell them I have been there. Any hoo ... As always, I ate a lot. There were plenty of individual things I could have reviewed, but I was living in the moment so I will let these pictures do the talking.


Beer:30 Light. We stayed with my friend Brennen who is in charge of buying beer for Whole Foods. He gets to try a lot of interesting beers including this one, which he unfortunately isn't carrying in his store. I was told it is only sold in 30 packs. It really hit the spot because on the hot drive down, I was craving a cheap beer and this was the only one in Brennen's 'fridge that didn't require a special glass for proper consumption.


White Russians. The official drink of Lebowski Fest. $4.50 a pop. Last time I drank these in Louisville, they contributed to alcohol poisoning. This round was without incident.


Lynn's Paradise Cafe. This place was recommended to us by a friend back home. Brennen told us that you pay more for the experience than the food. When we got the bill, we saw that he was right, but both were damn good. Lynn's Bourbon Ball French Toast was featured on Throwdown with Bobby Flay, and that's what Jayme ordered. It was rich goodness.


Jayme with her Bourbon Ball French Toast.


My breakfast burrito. I'd never had one in my life. I actually really wanted some huevos rancheros and this was the closest thing on the menu. Not bad, but it got cold pretty quickly. Notice the coffee and $8.95 "gigantic" mimosa.


Inside Lynn's.


The grave of Colonel Sanders. It was an inspiring and emotional pilgrimage. We were told that the KFC around the corner has notoriously terrible service.


Lolita's Tacos. Yes, this is real. No, she is not open on weekends. Unacceptable. It was the first thing we noticed when we got off of the freeway. We were told the food is actually pretty good. 99-cent tacos can be had after 5:00 during the week.


The "Dippidy Do" at El Mundo -- An awesome Mexican place by the train tracks. Dinner here was actually cheaper than breakfast at Lynn's. We ate in the pebble-covered back yard. This appetizer consisted of salsa, guacamole, bean dip (all mine), and salsa verde.


Crispy pork tacos at El Mundo. Notice the bottom of the glass at the top of the photo...


... That glass contains a "Mango Stanger" -- A mango cocktail with pepper juice. It's delicious, with a slight burn in the throat. Drink, get burned. Drink to quench the burn. Get burned. Repeat. Delicious.


Mojitos at El Mundo. The biggest and best I've had. Note the Spanish-speaking adolescent in the background.


"ACE BLT" at Wild Eggs, a little joint in the suburbs with a big wait. The ACE is for Avocado, Cheddar (yes, I ate something with cheese), Egg. The Egg was over-medium, which is a terrible idea for something meant to be eaten with one's hands. All of the yolk went all over my hand with the first bite and my hand reeked for the six-hour drive home. The fresh-squeezed orange juice, however, was delicious -- and available in a pitcher.

If you go to Louisville for vacation, I definitely recommend eating food while you're there. While you're at it, go to Whole Foods, ask for Brennen and tell him to stock Beer:30 Light.